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an end and a beginning

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

No one writes flowery Instagram worthy posts about how change is sometimes catastrophic. Everyone waxes poetic about how life changed for them and how it was for the better. “It was great. It was exactly what I wanted. It was hard but I made it through” you hear them say.

They never tell you that the beginning is like two planets crashing into each other. Sure, making a change takes little more than deciding you want to change. The difficult part is the work you have to put int it. Or in my case, you feel as if your boat has been hit by lightening, your sinking quickly into a stormy sea and you are not quite sure if you’ll end up gasping for air on shore any time soon.

What is my change? My mother is dying. Like, as I type. She’s suffering from the end of congestive heart failure. I don’t know about you but even if I hated you with the passion of everything I had, I wouldn’t wish this on you. Drowning in your own body is not a pleasant way to die.

I have taken care of my mother since I was 17 years old. I also took care of my father for a few years until he passed away about 6 years ago.

I realize my life is going to change in the most painful and catastrophic way. My mom is my rock. She is the solid foundation I built myself upon and she’s imparted so much wisdom to me that I feel like I should be fine but I know this is going to rock me to my core. It means near financial ruin. It means doing the triple backflip on the high trapeze with no net. It means I fail or succeed on my own and that’s terrifying. And at the same time, I’ve accepted it.

It’s also incredibly sad. I love my mom. She’s my biggest champion and my greatest defender. I hate that she’s in so much pain and suffering. I can only hope I’m making the best decision for her.

The one thing she has taught me more than anything is that the world will beat you down. That change is going to come and most of the time, it will be gut wrenching. It will also be transcendent and beautiful at times and to do your best to find the good, be the good, be the light, and try to find a little humor when you can.

In the end, this journey is an ending for one life and a beginning for another. It’s difficult and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. Sadly there’s not much I can do to change the trajectory and we’ll see where we end up.